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Is This COOL, or What?

Conspiracy theorists have been telling us for years that global elitists are plotting to merge Canada, the US and Mexico into a North American Union. I’ve now come across conclusive evidence to back up their claims.

I was shopping at the local market the other day and picked up a cube steak for lunch. The steak was wrapped in the usual packaging with the addition of a sticker that read:

Product of U.S.A.,Canada,Mexico

Now, how in the world can a cube steak be the product of three different countries?! But the answer — or dare I say the truth — was right before me. It dawns on me that those three countries are in reality one country — the heretofore conspiratorial North American Union – existing under the guise of the status quo because the global elitists have deemed the general population so gullible that they don’t even need to let us in on the existence of the NAU, thereby negating the inevitable opposition to their nefarious plans.

What better way to keep the secret than for everyone to continue believing there are still three separate countries when the reality is that the governments have merged and have been taken over by covert, behind-the-scenes operators (i.e. elitists). Brilliant!

Fortunately for us all the global elitists, in a Freudian slip of sorts, screwed up and I was able to unravel the crucial evidence, the proverbial smoking gun, in time for this blog post.

Confession Time

OK, so what if, other than the part about the Product of U.S.A.,Canada,Mexico label, I made the whole thing up. What really is going on? It’s still a pretty weird label, don’t you think?

Leveraging the full power of the internets, I turn to the Google which yields this gem from Pork magazine (really, Pork magazine. You can’t make this stuff up folks. See? Now, where were we?):

“COOL requirements encompass an animal’s country of birth as well as the country in which it was raised or fed out, the country in which it was slaughtered and the country in which it was processed. For example, a pork roast from a hog born in Canada but raised, slaughtered and processed in the United States would be required to have a label indicating that it was a product of both Canada and the United States.”

Now we’re getting somewhere. It turns out that COOL is a new federal law mandating what is now being termed country-of-origin labeling. Ostensibly, the purpose of the law is to provide additional information regarding the country of origin for fresh and frozen produce and many meat products – information that was previously unavailable to consumers.

Major exceptions to COOL include processed and cooked foods — you don’t want to know where they came from anyways — and mixed foods like fruit and vegetable trays. Butcher shops and fish markets are also exempt.

Getting back to my cube steak, this all seems like a good idea until I realize that beef has never been labeled like this before and I had always assumed that the beef I was buying was from the US. But now I find out that maybe it’s not necessarily from the US but could come from one of three countries. Is this progress?

I think so. I guess so. I really don’t know.

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